RMIM ke bhaio aur baheno! Aadaab arz hai and Namaskaar. Last year, Sumeet Hingorani had requested a "spoof on a grad student's life", but no one came up with one. I was planning one myself for a long time, and finally found the time and inspiration to put one together. This "Ek GRAD STUDENT ki dastaan" is a sequel to my EK "musical" dastaan which I had posted earlier. **** EK GRAD STUDENT KI DASTAAN **** Disclaimer: What follows below is pure fiction. Relation to any student, living/dead or graduated/dying [:-)] is purely coincidental. Our dastaan is about a certain engineering student, VIJAY, who after finishing his B.Tech. from a prestigious school in India has decided to pursue his PhD in the USA. Vijay has already cleared his TOEFL and GRE [He doesn't know yet that his TOEFL score will be asked on RMIM years later :-) ]. Anyway, Vijay has already obtained his F-1 visa and is now aboard an Air-India 747 on his way to JFK airport in NY city. He is looking forward to doing well in his new academic career "Lie sapne nigahon me, chala hun teri raahon me, zindagi aa raha hun main...." Finally, the flight arrives at JFK (only 5 hrs late!) and Vijay breezes thro' the customs counter hoping that what he has heard about the US is true "Bachna ai haseenon, lo main aa gaya.....". Vijay comes out of the terminal and doesn't know where to go. He had been asked not to talk to strangers, desi or otherwise. He doesn't know where he is "Ye kya jageh hai dosto ye kaunsa dayaar hai, had-e-nigaah tak jahan GHubaar hi GHubaar hai....". Finally, the local ISA representative who had promised to pick him turns up. Surprise 1: Vijay is in a formal suit while the ISA guy is wearing shorts and a T-shirt which Vijay cud have bought on the footpaths of India. Anyway, Vijay is relieved to meet his guide "Tumko dekha to ye quayal aaya, zindagi dhoop tum ghana saaya..." They drive thro' the jungle they call NY, pass NJ and finally arrive in a small town in PA where Vijay's school is located. The local ISA helps Vijay find an apt., get his sSecurity card, etc. He goes thro' the orientation process and learns when to throw in an "Oh really", "Take care" or a "You too" during a conversation. He meets a American student in his dept. who compliments him on his communication skills, "You speak very good English",he says, and Vijay replies: "You too!" :-) Vijay is made the TA of an undergraduate class, and one fine day, a cute blonde comes up to his office seeking help with one of her assignments. This is Vijay's first experience with a firangi kudi "Pehli pehli baar dekha aisa jalwa, haan aisa jalwa, ye ladki hai ya shola...." Little does he know ke woh ladki "Shola hai shola, sholay se darna, marna to jaake THande paani me marna, kudi phanse na babua...." Vijay's new love lasts as long as the assignments themselves after which he is ditched. He feels that he is ditched because of the colour of his skin and complains "Gore rang pe na itna gumaan kar, gora rang to din me DHal jaega....." Vijay gets busy with his own assignments and finds out the hard way that the USA isn't exactly what he had imagined it to be "Maine chaand aur sitaron ki tamanna ki thi, mujhko raaton ki siahee ke siva kuch na mila...." [Please see acknowledgement 1 below]. He works hard, writes countless letters home describing the campus and the weather and manages to do well in his coursework. At the end of the semester, the profs in the dept. realize Vijay's potential and try to lure him into becoming their student. Vijay is surprised at the attention he attracts and has a tough time choosing his advisor "Itni baRi mehfil aur ek dil, isko dun ya usko dun...." Finally the choice is made and he has his first meeting with his advisor who expresses his pleasure over getting him as his student "Tum jo mil gae ho, to yun lagta hai, ke jahaan mil gaya....." Vijay is thrilled to learn that he is the more important person bet. the two. (Rem. this is his first meeting with his advisor, folks!) The sem. ends and Christmas is round the corner. The snow which had at first fascinated him starts to get on his nerves. Santa Claus, appearing in every other commercial, comes close second in things that annoy Vijay. He amuses himself by imagining Santa in desi ads. His favourite has Santa singing "Ye bullet meri jaan, manzilon ka nishaan...." on an Enfield bullet. The spring semester is easier for Vijay as he gets used to the new system. He starts working on his research and realizes who bet. the student and the advisor is the boss! Experience teaches him that whatever the advisor says is right "Aapka saath saath phoolon ka, aapki baat baat phoolon ki..." (From "Phir chiRi raat baat phoolon ki...") In the meantime, Vijay learns how to telnet, ftp, etc. and comes to know about a desi newsgroup called SCI. Here are his reactions: 1. Upon discovering SCI: "Tere paas aake mera waqt guzar jaata hai, do ghadi ke lie GHam jaane kahan jaata hai..." 2. Upon REALLY discovering SCI: "Jaane woh kaise log the jinke pyaar ko pyaar mila, humne to jab kalian maangi kaaton ka haar mila...." Vijay wonders "Jaane kyun log SCI, paRa karte hain......" :-) At this time "A NAUSHAD FAN" informs him about a more decent newsgroup called RMIM on the net. Vijay is thrilled to discover RMIM "Dil kahe rukja re rukja yahin pe kahin, jo baat is jagah hai kahin par nahin...." Summer is finally in and its time for the new students' pilgrimage to Niagara falls :-) Vijay takes off with a couple of other friends in a rented car. Damn! If only he was licentious.... oops I mean, If only he had a license :-) Driving in the US seems to be like a video game. Vijay thoroughly enjoys the drive with his friends "Babu, samjho ishare, horn pukare pam pam pam.. yahan chalti ko gadi kahte hain pyaare, pam pam pam...." Back from the trip, Vijay gets back to reality: Research pressures and PhD qualifiers! He starts thinking about the good old days "Dil DHoondta hai phir wohi, fursat ke raat din...." [Please see acknowledgement 2]. During the qualifiers, Vijay gets the first taste of loneliness in the US. Friends and housemates don't seem to fill a certain void which he experiences "Yaad tu aae man ho jaae, bheeRH ke beech akela, haan baadal bijli chandan paani jaisa apna pyaar..." Fall sem. starts and he finds new hope in the form of a new female desi student. Vijay goes out of the way to help her settle down in the new place. He helps her find an apt. etc., but finds out that he is fighting a losing battle to win her. The reason? Vijay doesn't own a car to take her to the local grocery store! He tries to argue his case "Dil ko dekho, gaaRi na dekho, gaaRi ne laakhon ko loota......", but loses to the "carwala" dude who persuades the desi belle to "ChhoRo "be-car" ki baaton me kahin, beet na jaae raina...kuch to log kahenge, logon ka kaam hai kehna..." [Here "be-car" = guy without a car]. Vijay vows to buy a car ASAP, but decides that going to India in Dec. is more important. He goes to the campus bookstore, buys a sweatshirt with the university emblem, and heads home via a TWA/Gulf-Air connection. Vijay successfully makes the switch from TWA to Gulf-Air at London, but his luggage doesn't :-) He loses a couple of days of his vacation to reclaim his lost luggage and finally reaches home "Machgaya shor saari nagri re, saari nagri re, aaya biraj ka baanka sambhaal teri gagri re...." Vijay returns from India, buys a car, and gets back to his normal routine in a mechanical manner. Somewhere down the road, loneliness attacks him again "BaRI sooni sooni hai, zindagi ye zindagi, main KHud se hoon yahan, ajnabi ajnabi..." Vijay finally decides to get married and asks his folks back home to find a suitable match. Finally he gets engaged in India and returns to the US. He decides to get married after finishing his PhD. [For details on how Vijay got engaged, the serious reader is referred to the CHHAYA GEET on "Arranged Marriages" which was posted on RMIM a couple of months back]. Vijay has now become the most important customer of AT&T as he calls his fiancee often "Door rehkar na karo baat, quarib aa jaao...." He is now close to graduation. He feels that he project is finished while his advisor doesn't. Every now and then he feels depressed and is consoled by his fiancee "Kabhi to milegi, kahin to milegi, baharon ki manzil raahi....." Vijay is looking forward to his graduation after which he plans to get married "Woh subah kabhi to aaegi......" **ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS** 1. The inspiration to use the song "Maine chand aur sitaron ke tamanna ki thi......" was drawn from the .sig file of a fellow-RMIMer whose name I do not remember. Whoever it was, please accept my thanks and if possible, get in touch with me. 2. The song "Dil DHoondta hai phir wohi...." is taken from the .sig file of Ashish Bokil @ Clemson. Thanks Ashish! Sami Mohammed (A Naushad fan).... who hopes that all those who had the patience to go thro' this post, enjoyed it.